"sometimes I can't fight my good habits"

This past year has been...well a year to say the least, but much more then that. I have seen
the end of a almost five year relationship which clearly should of ended much earlier then that.

When a relationship sees the change of fall colours, the growth of spring and stays close during the cold months of winter, the future past and present begins to become a map. The strange thing is each person draws there own map. Each memory a different bridge or lack of bridge, a beautiful lush forrest can become a dismal power plant for the other person.

Sometimes one person stops drawing there map, to secertly start a new map in the night, leaving the other person circling through old memories on their map searching for this person, hoping to find them at the coffee shop in Amsterdam or deep in the forest in Guysborough but they remain elusive, because they are not there. You keep searching surly they are somewhere. Maybe they have retreated to the cottage on that hot Canada day, or they are in the back yard watching the leaves collect in the pool turn into tiny animals as they run across the water.

Then you find their map crumpled on the floor tossed aside like a scrap piece of paper, and just like you searched for them as the seasons changed, you find that they have been drawing another map that travels from summer to winter. Thats when you feel lost, like you have been shot in the dark, you convinced yourself that it wouldn't be possible, but here you are bleeding out lost in black wondering what you were doing while this other map was being created as the seasons changed.

Its been around eight months since I found her...our map crumpled up in the corner of our first apartment in Toronto. Since then, it has slowly unwrapped itself to have a few more roads and trees drawn on it, this time, at times it seems as if everything on our maps is drawn with the wrong hand, the map has lost its fluency, jagged lines draw what somewhat resemble bridges, everything is a bit off colour, and the map I was so happy to create and expand is slowly losing its beauty, its purpose its direction.

I have always had a hard time standing up for myself at the cost of hurting someone, in a strange way I guess I'd rather go through my life getting stepped on a few times, then be the one doing the stepping. There comes a point though when its best to break free from someone, for your own good. It gets easier to breath and your scope of vision increases. The world around you becomes something bigger, something brighter and you regain control of your body and mind.

To start a new map, with different lines to draw, new colours to use, new places to visit is something I did not think I would have to do again. I gave the map of my heart to someone, showed them my secerts my buried treasure and just like a pirate they took what they needed, and set sail back into the ocean in search of somebody else.

In the wake of her storm the water ripples are calming, I can look out into the big ocean again and see the sun over the horizon, beautiful colours pour up into the sky blending into a beautiful sunset. I am inspired, I have hope I'am optimistic again. My map is blank I can go wherever I want. I can't wait to meet her, make her smile, laugh, see her eyes light up, play with her hair, let her know she can do anything she wants make her dream big, pull the stars down from the sky and watch her shine.