caught me staring

a breeze catches a leaf
you follow it as it blows along
it seems to dance for you
you watch it dip then dive
so simple
an unexpected pleasure

I'll race you to the bottom of your glass

A straight line begins to zig zag
you drink the next one neet
thinking it will last longer
you don't even taste it
double vision stings you
in and out, you forget your steps
a night never meant to be remembered

"MTV what have you done to me?"

The TV flickers on
bombarded by the media
the youth of today
corporate slaves
to insult our intellegience
to remove our souls
steal our creativity
all in a days work
I'll give them my youth
before I give them my
ambition



The Smiths -there is a light and it never goes out
stand out lyrics "take me out tonight, take me anywhere I don't care"

turn it off.. live for attention not love

The city is asleep
but I am not
stuck in the depths of my own thought
round and round in circles of old memories
keeps my head spinning like a top
trapped in promises never kept
stuck on a heart that didn't beat
caught in the condition of unconditional
keeps this restless mind awake

Elliott Smith- go by 
stand out lyrics "Someone's in the way
Pretty words and inside slurs
All the things they have to say
To perform the work that they've rehearsed. It's a waste of time
I put it behind me. Once and for all
And let the hype decline
If the problem wasn't mine
Go by"

"happyness is a warm gun"

Bombs break homes
send people away
torn apart
uprooted
life falls away
war torn city
here to stay
build upon the debris
live another day

M.I.A. born free stand our lyrics
"you could try to find ways to be happier, you might end up somewhere in Ethiopia. You can think big with your ideas. You ain't never gonna find Utopia"

johnston st

asleep on the porch
stretched out on the lawn
a lazy day
slept away
stretched out on your lap

"no one saw that the skin on my shoulders was golden"

Indiana summer town
beats heat on our backs
it wears you down
steals your strength
the moon creeps it's way up
lifting the weak from our bodies
into the night we play
dancing the sun up
work the heat away



Sandro Perri Wolfman Stand out lyric" Today I saw you big as the ocean, yesterday I was sure I'd forgotten how to swim"

double vision

Mirrored images reflect off eachother
repetition repetition repetition
the image bounces back reflects off each other
smaller and smaller
a new depth

Pilate into your hideout stand out lyrics "Gray shadows and white meadows, a bitter snow is falling
My legs fail me, the ground hails me, distant lights are calling"

"And I'm content, I'm content, I'm content to be quiet"

Don't close your eyes
let the light hit them
let me wonder
who you are
and where you'll take me

speed up sleep get some rest

spawned from a dream
a math equation
numbers and figures
complex
unsolvable
creation in a dream

scratching an ich through broken glass

a car alarm
broken glass
the clapping of feet speeds up in rhythm
the humming of sirens
blending of red and blue
blinking and bouncing in the night
over fences
under a car
breathless
pounding
his next fix

"a hierarchy of different behaviour"

Feynman on curiosity.

"the morality molecule"

Trust, morality, and oxytocin

"all these faces me nothing to me"

I need to escape from ordinary life
familiarity knocks me to my knees
provoking me to make a difference
with time standing still I make my move
but it was all a dream
for something that never took place
the side effects are unforgettable

 Animal Collective We Tigers
Stand out lyric "I changed all your words but my poltergeist concurs that words aren't even necessary right now."

forgive? forget? fact? or fiction?

I wish I could see a purpose in all of this, that I have been put through this past year to learn something, become stronger or wiser.. anything, but what I've learnt I don't care to mention.

To see the dark side of someone that brought you so much light is often confusing. Its almost as if you are in a very bright room when the lights go out, you see those circles or spots until your rub your eyes. Its was similar for me when I got blinded by her light, once I saw the dark side that resides in her my vision became blurred and I had trouble keeping my focus on anything like I was sleep walking through this previous year, I had so much trouble making out and understanding this person sleeping beside me.

Its impossible for me to imagine this person not in my life but at the same time, its impossible for me to imagine how that person was able to be so horrible to me for so long without any remorse.

I feel like I am stuck on a small toy train that some child is in control of, doing circles of the last 5 years of this my life, this child can stop at any point on this fixed track and it will totally change my perspective of what I want to do, but in the end when it really comes down to it, the remainder is always the same, and unforgettable mistake forge and imprinted in my head heart and soul.

I feel like I am trying to give up a drug, sometimes it's is the best thing ever, sometimes I do it even though I know I shouldn't, sometimes I regret doing it, even right before its standing there in front of me, then I let it wash over me with a smile, and then sometimes I yearn for it, like in this very moment.

It's this on going relentless force like two magnets, even though we are far apart there is always the slightest pull, and the closer we get the stronger the current gets, the odd thing is sometimes the current is in reverse and I can feel it pushing on me, forcing me to back away and feel uncomfortable. I try and try to work it out in my head, how it happened, but its as useless as debating religion, things just are the way they are and an attempt to change that, is a mountain I am to tired to climb.

"Yesterday was dramatic today is Okay"

"....The existential deliberation of all human emotion... to they extent of empathy for a stone finding shells that dissipate into air and slide between your fingers until you feel the breeze loneliness brings you for being shallow..

I know nothing you say to the skolard "wise prophet"
nowing that you know nothings is hte doorway to knowing everything. Thinking you know everything is a fat wet sponge. False belief is full and unharvestable, but honesty is an empty glass. I sit on a table pretentious and waiting"


Exert from my journal while living in Australia, written by Tegan Dayne 15-6-04

Dirty Beaches The lord knows best
stand lot lyric "The lord knows best When it comes to you And you know well that I Don't give a damn about anything but you."

First night Cargo

We did the usual rock out in our flat, "shotgun racings" music too loud and laughs all around. We got to the bar(cargo), and the bouncer notified Bruce that I would not be getting into the bar. (no collared shirt, not dressy enough trainers.) Lindsey convinced me to put on her velvet jacket and I decided to try my luck getting in. The bouncer pulled Bruce aside and asked him if he thought he wasn't important enough to give me the msg to me, then came up to me and ask if I was fucking kidding him. After all of this he extended his hand to me and we had a huge dance session, while a gentleman free styled with his saxophone over a techno beat, we danced the night away and lived on 10$ jugs. had a few jack and cokes. We all got so hammered we lost track of time. We eventually got to central walking from the harbour after town hall was closed, we just missed the train and we were stuck in the subway until morning. that's when the comedy unfolded.

Lindsey passed out in the most uncomfortable position and there was this very drunk guy walking the wrong way down the escalator, on just the bottom steps. The best part was that he was stumbling and had this weird smirk on his face, as entertaining as this was we got bored of watching him. That's when we heard a huge noise. SMACK! we all turned to look and he had falling forward with one foot on each step. and he didn't move the whole way up. Just when we where about to get up to see if he was okay, he slid down the metal railing of the escalator and walked passed us. We waited for morning and made our way to bed with no money in our wallets.

exert from my journal while living in Australia

Strokes with Lindsey

Lindsay and I were playing our regular game of Su-Sum-Ci, drinking away at a bottle of
passion pop, as we causally made our way to the junction(bondi) we were listening to the strokes and dancing and laughing. I had one ear phone in and she of course the other. It was good to see her appreciate the strokes as much as I did. WE both laughed the more intoxicated we got. We didn't finish the wine in time so we sat on the ledge near the metro and continued on with our game, while people walked by and laughing or with a smile on their face, it was nice to see people feeding off our energy.

exert from my journal while living in Australia.

we'll meet up in our dreams

Filled up on dreams
imagination on auto pilot
effortless creation
waking erases the story
time steals your memory
remembering to forget

"I'm like this and you're like this. We tigers we tigers woop!"

On our backs
the room breaths cold
reflect on our past
we push poison out our lungs
watch the smoke occupy space
buried in my nook
your soft voice fills me with warmth
a strange relationship
works because you are my mirror
reflecting off each other
things never change

cop-out

Hanging from a tree
a lost mans last hope
escape to endless slumber
or trapped in a dream?
you'll only find out
when it's to late
a pulled trigger
stealing the future
from a unknown memory

fear remains sorrow

Rest assured I found her
half buried in snow
two tracks in
one track out
her father by the fire
drinking to forget

"give us this day our daily bread"

Fossils shape the path of evolution
a sequence following change
anatomy pushes forward
science prevails

repeating in my head

A echo bounces and reflects
the repeating of words
dissipates
bleeds into the walls
spoken word absorbed

wind blown tight

carried by the wind
leafs are in motion
fall has weakend thier grip
turn greens into
yellows, reds and browns
colourng the ground in a beautiful collage

imprints and memories

A camera lens
a cropped perception captured
colour outside the lens
is left by the wayside
drowned out by the flash

"sometimes I can't fight my good habits"

This past year has been...well a year to say the least, but much more then that. I have seen
the end of a almost five year relationship which clearly should of ended much earlier then that.

When a relationship sees the change of fall colours, the growth of spring and stays close during the cold months of winter, the future past and present begins to become a map. The strange thing is each person draws there own map. Each memory a different bridge or lack of bridge, a beautiful lush forrest can become a dismal power plant for the other person.

Sometimes one person stops drawing there map, to secertly start a new map in the night, leaving the other person circling through old memories on their map searching for this person, hoping to find them at the coffee shop in Amsterdam or deep in the forest in Guysborough but they remain elusive, because they are not there. You keep searching surly they are somewhere. Maybe they have retreated to the cottage on that hot Canada day, or they are in the back yard watching the leaves collect in the pool turn into tiny animals as they run across the water.

Then you find their map crumpled on the floor tossed aside like a scrap piece of paper, and just like you searched for them as the seasons changed, you find that they have been drawing another map that travels from summer to winter. Thats when you feel lost, like you have been shot in the dark, you convinced yourself that it wouldn't be possible, but here you are bleeding out lost in black wondering what you were doing while this other map was being created as the seasons changed.

Its been around eight months since I found her...our map crumpled up in the corner of our first apartment in Toronto. Since then, it has slowly unwrapped itself to have a few more roads and trees drawn on it, this time, at times it seems as if everything on our maps is drawn with the wrong hand, the map has lost its fluency, jagged lines draw what somewhat resemble bridges, everything is a bit off colour, and the map I was so happy to create and expand is slowly losing its beauty, its purpose its direction.

I have always had a hard time standing up for myself at the cost of hurting someone, in a strange way I guess I'd rather go through my life getting stepped on a few times, then be the one doing the stepping. There comes a point though when its best to break free from someone, for your own good. It gets easier to breath and your scope of vision increases. The world around you becomes something bigger, something brighter and you regain control of your body and mind.

To start a new map, with different lines to draw, new colours to use, new places to visit is something I did not think I would have to do again. I gave the map of my heart to someone, showed them my secerts my buried treasure and just like a pirate they took what they needed, and set sail back into the ocean in search of somebody else.

In the wake of her storm the water ripples are calming, I can look out into the big ocean again and see the sun over the horizon, beautiful colours pour up into the sky blending into a beautiful sunset. I am inspired, I have hope I'am optimistic again. My map is blank I can go wherever I want. I can't wait to meet her, make her smile, laugh, see her eyes light up, play with her hair, let her know she can do anything she wants make her dream big, pull the stars down from the sky and watch her shine.

"cause i'm free as a bird now"

caught by the eye of the storm
a unsettling calm washes over me
eyes wide shut
forcused on distant memories
I am on my back
my head on your lap
your hands in my hair
and we are smiling
laughing
talking
now our ship is sinking
what a terrible sound
no ones around to hear us go down
this time I hold my breath
let the weight of my body sink
into the dark abyss
chasing the light of freedom
at the bottom of the sea

Fresh like a flower
the sun gives you strength
brings the colours out in you
like a bee to honey
they all swarm around you

things go bump in the night

Never ending shadows hide in the night
they sleep in your bedroom to hide from your light
they'll duck and they'll dive
as soon as you enter the room
to hide from you light
from your body within

Jekyll & Hyde

Fragmented
a broken mirror
splits your personality
ego gets bigger
down on your luck
visit where you came from
fleeting
indifferent
transform
disguise

"love rhymes with hideous car wreck"

a thought of you brings an instant smile
like waking up and remembering it's your birthday
or going to sleep on Christmas eve when you are young
your are that feeling of excitement
you allow me to dream and when I do it's about you

between the sheets

Your red hair burns like fire
your eyes burst blue
your soft voice carries me away
you are new, but bring out old feelings
exicted I kiss your neck
your squirm leading my hands down
your tongues in my ear
I apply pressure
you gasp
then climb on top and hold me down

"too tired to write"

Falling into a deep slumber
my mind drifts in and out
just like a soilder with a fatal wound
on the beaches of normandy
my mind grasps at the little light left
refusing to let go
my mind begs for black, for thoughtlessness
my body won't let go
it focuses on your image
our memories a random thought
it keeps me awake, keeps the wheels turning
only a few more hours until my door bell rings
and you rest your tired head beside me
talk the night away

hold my breath with each stroke

Secretly I admire your from a distance
watch your movie unfold
your daily business
an artist
filling a canvas
focused on each stroke
you twirl your hair
eyes wide open
you intently stare
your brush your instrument
what a beautiful song

a coin flip

yellow seeps down from the sky
I am soaked in warm light
the suns rays shine through me
warming my soul
keeping me warm
from your cold shoulder

seasons rearrange

New images in my mind
circle like a clock
going backwards in time
new days, now old
cause fall to become cold
chasing the leaves off the trees
and shirts into sweaters
send chills down our backs
and slow down the rivers

Change: To take a completely different form or appearance to; transform:

Constant is the only change you can rely on. To stand motionless in the tall grass hoping for the calm to hold is as unrealistic as catching the tooth fairy in action, or seeing Santa Claus eating the last cookie under the Christmas tree.

I generally thrive on change. Take each obstacle change throws at me as an opportunity to grow learn and move forward.

When change brings forth an uncomfortable feeling of confusion emptiness and unhappiness, it is easy to want to rewind the tape to a point where change seemed impossible and growing learning and moving forward brought forth a sense of unity, bonding and white picket fences.

To the outside world this tactic seems self defeating. Its hard to move forward with the emergency break on, each place your visit isn’t a smooth transition. It feels like you are an only child trapped in the back seat on a family vacation. In your head you know where you are going, you know it will be a long time before you reach your destination, but in a strange way you know it will be worth the wait and the anticipation is part of the fun. Then your patience wears thin and you can’t help but pester “are we there yet”? Each rest stop brings your closer to your final destination, but you can’t help but yurn for the comforts of familiarity. You begin to wish you where back home in a familiar place where you know everything, there is no fear of the unknown and its comfortable. This of course comes with a price, once home you are quickly reminded about why you were so excited to leave all of those things back home behind.

Its like when you stub your toe on your dresser, the pain is always so unexpected but in a weird way familiar, you know where your dresser is yet you’ve stubbed your toe on it a dozen times. You never move it always thinking you’ve learnt your lesson. Just to have that familiar pain resonant in your body again.

Holding on to a certain point in your life stifles change. It doesn’t matter how great things were in the past, there is always a wrecking ball swinging in the distance, casting a dark shadow on your sunny beach. It constantly swings in the distance; sometimes it is barely noticeable while other times it covers the sun like a dark eclipse. Unfortunately its presence is always known.

The scary part is when the wrecking ball becomes aware of its presence, its actions and its effects, yet it still lingers there almost testing you. Just as a young boy pokes at a hornets nest, but when the wasps come out they act surprised run away hurt sad and distant.

Can you really expect someone to change there actions if you don’t change your actions towards them? What if the change isn’t you, or even in you? What if the change, changes the dynamic of your relationship? And the puzzle pieces that once fit together so nicely need to be put down with force leaving an uneven picture. Or worse yet what if that person knows how they are and doesn’t want to change, or feels they are normal. Should you move out of their way, let the wrecking ball swing in hopes that it doesn’t tear down another white picket fence?

"if you build it they will come"

Is This The Answer To Stonehenge?

sleep wake sleep wake cycle

"On this bridge," Lorca warns, "life is not a dream. Beware. And beware. And beware." And so many think because Then happened, Now isn't. But didn't I mention the ongoing "wow" is happening right now? We are all co-authors of this dancing exuberance where even our inabilities are having a roast. We are the authors of ourselves, co-authoring a gigantic Dostoevsky novel, starring clowns. This entire thing we're involved with called the world, is an opportunity to exhibit how exciting alienation can be. Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments, flabbergasted to be in each other's presence. The world is an exam to see if we can rise into direct experience. Our eyesight is here as a test to see if we can see beyond it. Matter is here as a test for our curiosity. Doubt is here as an exam for our vitality. Thomas Mann wrote that he would rather participate in life than write 100 stories. Giacometti was once run down by a car, and he recalled falling into a lucid faint, a sudden exhilaration, as he realized that at last something was happening to him. An assumption develops that you cannot understand life and live life simultaneously. I do not agree entirely. Which is to say I do not exactly disagree. I would say that life understood is life lived. But the paradoxes bug me, and I can learn to love and make love to the paradoxes that bug me. And on really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion. Before you drift off, don't forget. Which is to say, remember. Because remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting. Lorca, in that same poem said that the iguana will bite those who do not dream. And as one realizes that one is a dream figure in another person's dream, that is self awareness."

"you said the sky'd light up"

sunsets upon a darken sky
the colours feed into eachother
making new ones
looking up we are reminded
instant smiles

Fading pictures out of print

a weeping willow tree
blows silently in the wind
a pure sign of natures beauty and growth
lost in the forest
waiting in fear for the civilized world to grow

A kaleidoscope of colours
the distorted image twists and turns
bending but not breaking
it plays tricks on the perceiver
an instant mirage
born from a previous thought
laid waste from the shadows that hide in the dark

Blind Melon - Mouth full of cavities
Stand out lyrics "Mouthful of Cavities And your souls a bowl of jokes And everyday you remind me That I am desperately in need"

Cause and time
a relationship of the big bang
as creationism cast its dark shadow
religions collide

"God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life"

Sam Harris simply destroys Catholicism

"I wake alone, in a woman's room I hardly know. I wake alone- and pretend that I am finally home."

Sometimes its hard to think, of what you really want, and where you should be going.
When a horrible nightmare cast its shadow upon you, deceitful mask are revealed, you are left to wonder in the heartache of a steamy summer breeze if this is something you've actually wanted but were to afraid to set free. Familiarity is a lasting thought, it wraps you in a soft blanket, you feel safe comfortable and warm. Then the hour glass shifts, it gets picked up and motion sickness kicks in, your whole world gets turned upside down. You begin to connect the dots, everything makes sense, but at the same time confusion rings in your ear, as if you have been pulled out of a dream from a ringing alarm clock. Had it actual taken place, can somebody you built a life with be a facade? Have you been trapped in a desert this whole time swept up in a wonderful mirage?

People are human, this unfortunately gives them the power to be inhumane. They steal your trust, see your kindness an opportunity to use the back door, slip into the night to only think of themselves, they fill a void at whatever the cost almost feeling pleasure in causing pain, as long as they are happy they'll cause chaos to those closes to them and to the outside world, because in the light of love they are unexpected trustworthy and held high like the stars that resembled their eyes.

Its like they live in a casino only they always win, they spend all their money on what they think is the new best bet, and when the house comes crashing down on them they use the same back door they crept out of, keeping a hold of what they just let go.

It just like you are a piece of tape on my finger, I do my best to shake you off, but just as the adhesive is meant to stick you don't let go, I try to remove you with my other hand and you just jump onto my index finger, you latch onto it refuse to let go. I get memorized by you again. I remember how you kept my presents wrapped, my posters on the wall, and I think to myself why would I ever want to dispose of something that brought me so much happiness?

I wish I was six years old and it was Christmas time, so when my parents asked me what I wanted I could ask them for 100 things, now at 29 when asked I just shrug my shoulders and blankly stare. I have no idea what I want, to wake up beside you next week, to cut this fleeting connection once and for all, or take a break, reinvent the wheel, which could take me further away from you, or spin me back in front of you, will you be there? will you ever understand the gravity of your misdiscresions, or do you even want to or care to, or does it even matter?


Bonnie Prince Billy Blood Embrace
Stand out lyric "Does she test me ? Does she know That I would sooner turn and go Than fight another, if that is what she have me do?"

"you see me, i don't care."

Saw you from a distance
wondered who you were
so interesting
in your own world
nothing around you mattered
eyes meet
a exchange of smiles
my stop

Blood on the wall Hibernation
stand out lyric "your the inspiration for your parents recreation can you feel all the sensation from your heart"?

sounds into white noise

Collaborative animation by Blu and David Ellis

remote

Catch the sun
morning is on the rise
its to late for light
the dark needs to linger
without light this rooms lives
and the outside world remains on pause

Black Lips Family Tree
Stand out lyric "It feels so cold Walk with me It feels so cold Down by the family tree"

an introduction to your past life

Cameron 5 year old boy from Glasgow remembers his past life

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4


Part 5