To see the dark side of someone that brought you so much light is often confusing. Its almost as if you are in a very bright room when the lights go out, you see those circles or spots until your rub your eyes. Its was similar for me when I got blinded by her light, once I saw the dark side that resides in her my vision became blurred and I had trouble keeping my focus on anything like I was sleep walking through this previous year, I had so much trouble making out and understanding this person sleeping beside me.
Its impossible for me to imagine this person not in my life but at the same time, its impossible for me to imagine how that person was able to be so horrible to me for so long without any remorse.
I feel like I am stuck on a small toy train that some child is in control of, doing circles of the last 5 years of this my life, this child can stop at any point on this fixed track and it will totally change my perspective of what I want to do, but in the end when it really comes down to it, the remainder is always the same, and unforgettable mistake forge and imprinted in my head heart and soul.
I feel like I am trying to give up a drug, sometimes it's is the best thing ever, sometimes I do it even though I know I shouldn't, sometimes I regret doing it, even right before its standing there in front of me, then I let it wash over me with a smile, and then sometimes I yearn for it, like in this very moment.
It's this on going relentless force like two magnets, even though we are far apart there is always the slightest pull, and the closer we get the stronger the current gets, the odd thing is sometimes the current is in reverse and I can feel it pushing on me, forcing me to back away and feel uncomfortable. I try and try to work it out in my head, how it happened, but its as useless as debating religion, things just are the way they are and an attempt to change that, is a mountain I am to tired to climb.
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